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Funerals and memorials
Any other gatheringFuneral etiquette: what to wear, say and bring
If you haven’t been to many funerals, it’s natural to worry about getting something wrong. The good news is that families don’t notice the small things. They notice that you came. Here’s what to expect, so you can stop worrying about the details and be there for the people who need you.
What to wear
Unless the family says otherwise, dark and simple is right: a dark suit or jacket and trousers, a dark dress or smart separates. Black isn’t required, but navy, grey and other muted colours are safest.
More families now ask for something different, such as a favourite colour or a football shirt. If the announcement asks, do it; it matters to them.
Arriving and the service
- Arrive 10 to 15 minutes early. Crematorium services in particular run to a tight timetable
- Close family usually follow the coffin in and sit at the front; take a seat further back unless you’re asked
- Phones on silent, and away
- Join in with hymns or readings if you’d like to; it’s fine not to
Flowers or donations
Follow the announcement. "Family flowers only" means don’t send flowers to the funeral; give to the named charity instead if you’d like to. If flowers are welcome, the funeral director will usually accept them on the morning or the day before.
What to say to the family
Keep it short. "I’m so sorry" is enough. If you have a brief memory, share it: "Your dad always asked about my kids." Grieving families hear a lot of "let me know if you need anything"; something specific, said later, helps more.
If you get upset, that’s all right. It shows the person mattered.
Children at funerals
Children are usually welcome, and being included can help them grieve. Explain beforehand what will happen, sit near an exit, and have a plan if they need to step out. If you’re unsure, ask the family.
The wake or gathering afterwards
If you’re invited, go, even briefly. It’s often the part the family finds most comforting: stories, tea, a drink and a laugh. If there’s a way to let them know you’re coming, use it, as it helps with catering. Stay as long as feels right, and say goodbye to the family before you leave.